Journal 43

I think that would be a pretty terrible idea. I don't think people should ever ever be tested on their mental sanity unless they consent or they have behaved completely out of line. I don't understand how that would even work. Who decides who is sane and who isn't? We're all just beings. We all have different chemical levels in our brains. Just because a majority of us conform to social norms does not mean that the ones who don't are insane. This is something that really hit s home for me because I tend to get a lot of crap for being different. I'm already considered to be relatively insane in the opinion of a few doctors, so if I was compared to the rest of the country, my stats would probable be off the charts and I wouldn't even care. I would just want them to not put me away until I got done with this year. That's an option for me. It has been discussed. Apparently if I don't get better by June 10th or so, I have to go somewhere or something like that. I don't even know or care, I just want to do good in school. I really do want to succeed in this life. I want to accomplish my goals. I really do, so if I need to go somewhere for more serious help, then I will. I just want to get done with my junior year so that I don't have to make anything up later. I really need to just finish all of this stuff up. I can't wait until this is over. I really feel like I am making my life a real thing now. Like reality is setting in. I'm soon going to be on my own. I will be able to make every decision in my life. I just cannot believe that this is all happening. I can't wait to live my actual life.

Journal 42

Once upon a time there was a kid that was really teeny weenie, and he wanted to be super strong to get all the ladies. His friend, Fred, was very muscular, and Jimmy, the kid mentioned before, was curious as to how he got that way. One day, Jimmy asked Fred how he became so muscular. Fred told Jimmy that he was involved in a program that worked on houses for homeless people, and he had built up a lot of muscle from all the construction work.
This was intriguing to Jimmy. Jimmy decided that he, too, would like to be strong, and also get the reputation of being a helpful member of society. He then filled out the necessary forms, and became an active member of the community's outreach program.
Before he knew it, Jimmy was getting a lot of work done for the homeless, but above that, he was getting some sexy muscles and a sweet tan. The ladies loved him, and it helped that they saw him as a caring, homeless-helping dude.
Eventually, Jimmy became a very arrogant, rude guy, and once he had built up his dream body, he quit volunteering and said he was too busy. No one cared at first, everyone still really liked him, and he was getting all the ladies. Later, he met a beautiful girl named Dani, and she called him out for is wrong-doings. Then, just as Jimmy started throwing out all his lame excuses, she cast a spell on him that made him eternally ugly and it also gave him hives regularly. This was a terrible burden on Jimmy, but the curse wore off minutes later. Maybe the curse didn't even work, we don't really know at this point.
After that, Dani was notsatisfied with the lack of punishment Jimmy had received, so she cursed herself to make herself into a spider, and then she bit his head off and shared his head with all the children of the land. Yay!

Journal 41

I think a hero is someone who saves someone else. It doesn't really matter what they save that person from. I felt like a hero yesterday. I saved a little mouse from one of those sticky traps. I saved him/her. I felt so good about myself. I don't really think a hero has to be your typical Cher song hero. I think a hero can be the scrawniest person ever. They don't have to be fast or strong or whatever, they could just be someone who listens or actually cares about you. They don't have to physically save you either, they could even save you from yourself. It just depends on what the person needs help with. Like if someone was struggling with something as minuscule as a homework problem and a friend takes their time to help you out. I feel like that is a small heroic action, that friend is saving the other friend from stress and confusion. That stress could have added up onto other things and cause a lot of trouble. It's things like that that make a real hero. It's the little things in life that deserve more appreciation that they get.
People don't really realize that it everyone suffers differently. I think it is sort of ridiculous that some people judge others based on their struggles and the outcomes of those struggles. You really do not know what someone could be going through, so you have to be that hero sometimes and even just ask what is going on. Sometimes just asking a simple question is enough to help someone out. I just sort of wish everyone was more helpful to one another. We never really know what it is like to be someone else, we don't know what everyone else is adapted to. Some people could be used to a lot more pain than you could even imagine, but you would never know that, would you?

Also, I just want to add that I really feel like I should be wearing a seatbelt right now while I sit in class today. I have no idea why, I just wanted to add that for future reference.

Journal 40

I guess this is supposed to be a free-write journal. I enjoy that because when I have a topic, my whole self is never in the journal, so I never get to say what I really want to talk about. For instance, right now I cannot stop thinking about this music project I started up last night. I'm really excited about it. It's just some spoken word type vocals and some dissonant bass. That's all it is, but I love it so much. I don't ever really plan on showing it to anyone, at least not for a while, but it still makes me really happy to know I'm doing something that I can put my whole self into.
Right now, I'm a little angry because I was all peaceful with the lights off in the classroom, and now the lights are back on. I find the fluorescent lights to be a little irritating, especially after getting a little taste of darkness. Ah, I really want the lights off. Right now, I feel full from lunch. Today was the first time in a long time that I've actually eaten something at lunch, which sounds bad, but of well. I had Chex Mix and a banana. I also had some juice, not that any of that matters. I had a banana for breakfast too. I've been so hungry the last couple of days. Oh well.
I'm sort of stressed out about the end of the school year coming so quickly. There is not much time left for me here, but there is so much to do between now and the end. I don't really know what to do, but I know I just have to take it a day at a time. Tonight, I really want to go out and ask for job applications, which is something productive. Also, I have to do my math homework and take a practice test for APUSH. That sounds like a relatively easy night to me, especially compared to how things used to be for me.

Journal 39

My spring break was really awesome. I crave Summer so much now it's crazy. Like, I get insanely sad in the winter, and really happy during the summer. I can tell that this summer is going to be one of the best yet, apart from my sister leaving me. I am getting really good vibes right now. The more I think about it though, the more I get sad. I just need to not focus on my emotions, which is basically what I worked on doing over break. I just lived without over-analyzing myself. It made a huge difference. I spent a lot of time in nature and meditating on things, and I am in a better state of mind. Only about 35 more school days and then that feeling somewhat permanently. I feel like I really need that. I cannot believe that I am going to nearly out of highschool in a year. How amazing is that? Pretty stinkin' amazing, that's how! Ah, I cannot wait for this to be over for me. Our spring break was just a little taste of what it will be like and it was so wonderful. I need to move somewhere warm so I feel better about my life, that would change so much. I know it sounds silly, but I really mean it. Winter makes me so upset and just apathetic about anything and everything, but in Summer, energy flows and moves me to do what I need to do. It is one of the best feelings in the world. I am so glad it is not going to get cold again for a while. I feel so relieved and ecstatic. I just need to get through these last few weeks of school, hopefully they will fly by. I would very much appreciate that. I already feel better about even coming to school just because it is warm and I don't feel pain every time I walk outside. I cannot wait for summertime.

Journal 38

My job shadowing experience was pretty boring to be honest. I shadowed at the Springfield Art Association, and the facility was really nice and cool. The whole first hour or so was fun I suppose. It included a tour of the studios, the gallery, the offices, and the Edwards Place. Edwards Place is a building that is connected to the Association and is a historical site. Most of my time was spent learning about that building rather than any kind of art I was interested in. I was allowed to sit in on a meeting for the upkeep of Edwards Place and one man claimed that historical preservation was a form of art in its own. I do agree with this, but I do not think it was something that particularly interested me.
Also, something that irritated me a bit was that they seemed to think I was there as a volunteer. They had me cutting out newspaper articles they were featured in and then putting them into transparent sleeves for over an hour. It was not a great time, but I did not stress about it at all because I knew I did not actually have to get anything done. I did not really think they got the concept of what I was there for. I feel bad, because I sort of felt like an intrusion on their peaceful work.
The coolest thing I think I did all day long, which was not very cool, was going to an offsite home that was wanting to donate an entire dark room set up to the Association. The two women discussed all the possibilities for their new equipment which was cool to hear.
Overall, I discovered that I do not want to be the director of the Springfield Art Association, and I did not have the greatest job shadowing experience. I wish I could have gotten into a more artistic site rather than office work.

Journal 37

When I listen to music like this, it reminds me of when I went to New Orleans with my family. I did this twice, but I remember the most recent one more vividly, obviously. It also sort of reminds me of 101 Dalmatians. In New Orleans, I just remember walking down the streets and listening to all the street performers. I really miss that, thinking about it now. It was a really good time. I am feeling rather glum now. I feel like these rants often get off topic, but I guess its good for me. I am feeling kind of like I do not really deserve to listen to music like this. I feel like its silly for me to even want to listen to this music and then feel SAD somehow, but its happening. I really want to just go to sleep now and forget about all these nostalgic memories. I really want to sleep. Maybe I just get sad when I'm tired. I'm probably not actually sad, I'm just tired. I suppose that I'm just feeling like other people deserve to hear such things so much more than I do. Gosh, this is becoming a heavy journal. I feel bad now for throwing all this onto the internet.
Anyway, the music is really happy and good, so I'll just talk about how I think I SHOULD feel:
Wow, this music really makes me feel super happy! I feel so refreshed. This is taking me back to to other times when I heard music like this. I miss watching movies themed on the early 1900s like The Notebook. That movie is sort of themed around music like this. I really feel like watching movies like that now! Those movies are so happy and uplifting. I really need a pick-me-up right about now, but no one really notices that.