Journal 36

This is the perfect topic for this blog, and at the perfect time. I'm just realizing that you cannot please everyone, and if you are not being who you truly are, you won't even please yourself. Acting like someone you aren't can seriously damage your mental health. When I was younger, I always tried to act like my friends and do whatever they did. They wanted me to be like them or they wouldn't be my friend. Or at least I felt like that was true. I finally figured out that people like that are not people I want to associate with.
In fact, until recently, I never felt like my true self. I just realized how exhausted I was when I was trying so hard to please everyone. I hated that. I feel better and worse all at once now. I want to be quiet. All I can say is how I feel. I want everyone to feel better about everything all the time, but I can only provide so much. I'll say what I have to to be a supportive friend, but no lies. I don't want to lie or fake myself out. I'm tired of opening up to other people. I'm realizing who I actually care about and who I don't care about as much.
Its so hard to tell sometimes, especially being a teenager who disagrees with most of our society's rules. I'm not as opinionated as I seem. People and information sway me a lot. I wish it was easier to decide what I stand for. There are few things that I know about myself, but I am now on a better, more clear path to finding out what I really am and what I love. I just need to think sometimes and really process what I'm feeling. Right now, I feel like a thin wood wall with brick-patterned wall paper.