Journal 33

I am terrible at relaxing. I cannot just sit still anymore. My greatest attempts to relax lately are when I try to go to sleep. I just get so restless that it is nearly impossible. Most of the time, when I do try to relax, I listen to music. That has really been the only successful method I've discovered so far. I wish this was easier for me, but it is what it is. I would like to just be able to sit down in front of the television and not think about anything like a normal person would, but I find it to be nearly impossible anymore. Before I was so busy I remember doing this occasionally, but now it just is not an option. Even when I do have free time, it feels like I might be forgetting something or there is something I could be doing to get out of the way ahead of the time.
When I do listen to music, sometimes it relaxes me, depending on the song or artist. Music has such a heavy influence on me. Whatever song I listen to creates this mood inside me. If I listen to a slow, sad song, I instantly get sad, even if there is nothing to be sad about. If I listen to a punk rock song, I get this overwhelming sense of rebellion. It makes such an impact on me. If someone constantly fed me whatever music they wanted, they could probably control me completely. It is insane how much it can effect me. The biggest problem with this is that it occasionally causes me to lose my identity. I kind of forget my real values and just go with whatever suits the music. It is sad how long the feelings last. Some people get sad for a moment while the song plays, then move on. I, on the other hand, will feel that way until I listen to a new song. I have to choose carefully what I listen to anymore.
Who am I, anyway? When music defines you, and music is ever-changing, how does one even know?