Journal 34

Describing myself is not easy to do at all. I am so different at so many points in the day. It might not seem that way to some people, just because I try and force myself into consistency around others, but in my head its a whole different story. For instance, when I wake up in the morning, I want to treat everyone very poorly because I just don't care about anything at that point. But later, when I go on through my day, I wake up a bit more and start being more pleasant. Other days I just want to shut myself in a dark room for the day. I guess everyone has days like that. I just wish mine were less frequent or less intense. It get to be a bit of an irritation when I know in my head I should be more motivated, yet I literally cannot bring myself to do anything about it. I do so much, but it is sometimes more exhausting to just think about it.
I guess that doesn't say much about who I am though. Describing myself is hard. I am very artistic, that is certain. I'm a dancer. I always will be. That does not define me, though. I'm just not a typical person. I have a never-ending desire to be different from other people. Lately I'm realizing that it isn't as hard as I thought. Before, I was just kind of rebelling against the never-ending societal norms just to oppose them and show how shallow and ridiculous they were. Now, I've realized that people are never going to change, so I have nothing to prove. So while I've started to find myself a little more, its much more noticeable that I'm genuinely different than everyone else. I don't mind, at all, but it's a little relieving to say the least. I'm glad to finally know that I was never pretending.