Journal 34

Describing myself is not easy to do at all. I am so different at so many points in the day. It might not seem that way to some people, just because I try and force myself into consistency around others, but in my head its a whole different story. For instance, when I wake up in the morning, I want to treat everyone very poorly because I just don't care about anything at that point. But later, when I go on through my day, I wake up a bit more and start being more pleasant. Other days I just want to shut myself in a dark room for the day. I guess everyone has days like that. I just wish mine were less frequent or less intense. It get to be a bit of an irritation when I know in my head I should be more motivated, yet I literally cannot bring myself to do anything about it. I do so much, but it is sometimes more exhausting to just think about it.
I guess that doesn't say much about who I am though. Describing myself is hard. I am very artistic, that is certain. I'm a dancer. I always will be. That does not define me, though. I'm just not a typical person. I have a never-ending desire to be different from other people. Lately I'm realizing that it isn't as hard as I thought. Before, I was just kind of rebelling against the never-ending societal norms just to oppose them and show how shallow and ridiculous they were. Now, I've realized that people are never going to change, so I have nothing to prove. So while I've started to find myself a little more, its much more noticeable that I'm genuinely different than everyone else. I don't mind, at all, but it's a little relieving to say the least. I'm glad to finally know that I was never pretending.

Journal 33

I am terrible at relaxing. I cannot just sit still anymore. My greatest attempts to relax lately are when I try to go to sleep. I just get so restless that it is nearly impossible. Most of the time, when I do try to relax, I listen to music. That has really been the only successful method I've discovered so far. I wish this was easier for me, but it is what it is. I would like to just be able to sit down in front of the television and not think about anything like a normal person would, but I find it to be nearly impossible anymore. Before I was so busy I remember doing this occasionally, but now it just is not an option. Even when I do have free time, it feels like I might be forgetting something or there is something I could be doing to get out of the way ahead of the time.
When I do listen to music, sometimes it relaxes me, depending on the song or artist. Music has such a heavy influence on me. Whatever song I listen to creates this mood inside me. If I listen to a slow, sad song, I instantly get sad, even if there is nothing to be sad about. If I listen to a punk rock song, I get this overwhelming sense of rebellion. It makes such an impact on me. If someone constantly fed me whatever music they wanted, they could probably control me completely. It is insane how much it can effect me. The biggest problem with this is that it occasionally causes me to lose my identity. I kind of forget my real values and just go with whatever suits the music. It is sad how long the feelings last. Some people get sad for a moment while the song plays, then move on. I, on the other hand, will feel that way until I listen to a new song. I have to choose carefully what I listen to anymore.
Who am I, anyway? When music defines you, and music is ever-changing, how does one even know?

Journal 32

To revolutionize the way people think or act is to change society or impact it in a huge way. Usually something like this starts with an innovative new idea. I always imagine someone having this great epiphany when I think of how revolutions start, mostly because that is the only real way things will change. Someone has to think of something worth doing before the general public will go on with it. You have to be either extremely brilliant or extremely convincing to get a majority of people to change their minds about anything. Nowadays, everything is a huge argument. We have to have some sort of realization within ourselves before we are even willing to accept a new idea as our opinion or lifestyle. There are so many ways of doing things today that something has to be extremely inspiring to change us all.
I guess a revolution really means to be convincing anymore. You cannot get people to change unless it makes their lives easier. People will never do anything more difficult than what they're doing now. All that will happen is people will find new ways to make themselves "happier", which really means making their lives easier. People tend to associate stress and discomfort with things like work and other physical/mental challenges, so they desire the ability to be lazy when they feel like it. A long time ago, people were working much harder than we do today, and yet we still complain. Even I'm guilty of it. Obviously I can identify with this because I'm the one explaining it. As time progresses, revolutions will only come with people trying to improve their lives by decreasing the amount of work they have to do to be what society perceives as successful. Movies like "Wall-E" and "Idiocracy" are perfect examples of this idea. They both take place in the future, and show how all that people do anymore is try to figure out more ways to make life easy. They demonstrate how if we continue on this path for the desire of relaxation, we will lose everything.

Journal 31

I can see how the topic of gossip comes about during a unit discussing "Spoon River Anthology", but I cannot say that it relates to my life very greatly. Well, really, I WISH I couldn't say that. It becomes difficult to ignore after a certain point. It is say that I have become so accustomed to it that I hardly stress over it anymore, but it is true. I suppose that could be considered a good thing, that it does not effect me as much. But in reality, it should never have been there to grow used to. I know it sounds cliche, but I wish we could all just get along. I wish that if you didn't like the way someone lived their life, you could just move along and forget them. But for some reason that is an impossible concept for us to grasp.
Gossip is something that used to make me want to never leave my bed. I would beg my parents to let me stay home from school nearly every day. I believe that during my 7th grade year, I accumulated around 25 absent days. The school never cared because they knew I was a new student. That was another difficult thing for me. It is hard to fly under the radar when you are always the "new girl". You are automatically the new topic of discussion until everyone decides your place in the social scene for you. You have no say. You get your first few impressions and then your future is basically told to you. Its a sad thing, really. And is it not obvious that people were bound to make up rumors and gossip about me? When everybody talks, something is bound to be untrue.
So I guess now I'm just so used to it that it doesn't bother me. I wish it never had to come to this point, but it did. And now, I'm fine with where I am.

Journal 30

Civil rights have obviously come a long way in American history. We were once a country heavily influenced by slavery. It was a huge market in the early and mid nineteenth century, because every country was taking part in the slave trade. Basically, if we had introduced the idea of an African American president to those early Americans, they would have either laughed or thrown us out.
Today, things are very much different. Obviously segregation and racism still exist, but many people are more than willing to accept people of all races together. I feel as though, as the generations progress, there will be no more segregation at all because a complete lack of race. I don't think I will ever see that day, but I would like to.
I don't really understand why we still continue to separate these people from us, but we do. I am even guilty of it. And I am certain that my family is. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm willing to befriend anyone who comes into my life until they give me a reason not to, but it seems as though I automatically am more hesitant when it is someone of a different race. I feel like it has almost been drilled into my mind that way just because of the environment I grew up in. My whole family basically forced me to be critical of people who are different from myself, just because I had to listen to it constantly. When you grow up hearing things like that, it is hard to ignore.
I do love my family, I just wish they could have been a bit more open-minded while I was growing up so that I wasn't so set on branching away.
Anyway, I just feel like it would be better if the idea of race didn't exist. We never look at Italians or Asians very differently, except for the occasional joke. Why do we do that to black people?