Journal 38

My job shadowing experience was pretty boring to be honest. I shadowed at the Springfield Art Association, and the facility was really nice and cool. The whole first hour or so was fun I suppose. It included a tour of the studios, the gallery, the offices, and the Edwards Place. Edwards Place is a building that is connected to the Association and is a historical site. Most of my time was spent learning about that building rather than any kind of art I was interested in. I was allowed to sit in on a meeting for the upkeep of Edwards Place and one man claimed that historical preservation was a form of art in its own. I do agree with this, but I do not think it was something that particularly interested me.
Also, something that irritated me a bit was that they seemed to think I was there as a volunteer. They had me cutting out newspaper articles they were featured in and then putting them into transparent sleeves for over an hour. It was not a great time, but I did not stress about it at all because I knew I did not actually have to get anything done. I did not really think they got the concept of what I was there for. I feel bad, because I sort of felt like an intrusion on their peaceful work.
The coolest thing I think I did all day long, which was not very cool, was going to an offsite home that was wanting to donate an entire dark room set up to the Association. The two women discussed all the possibilities for their new equipment which was cool to hear.
Overall, I discovered that I do not want to be the director of the Springfield Art Association, and I did not have the greatest job shadowing experience. I wish I could have gotten into a more artistic site rather than office work.

Journal 37

When I listen to music like this, it reminds me of when I went to New Orleans with my family. I did this twice, but I remember the most recent one more vividly, obviously. It also sort of reminds me of 101 Dalmatians. In New Orleans, I just remember walking down the streets and listening to all the street performers. I really miss that, thinking about it now. It was a really good time. I am feeling rather glum now. I feel like these rants often get off topic, but I guess its good for me. I am feeling kind of like I do not really deserve to listen to music like this. I feel like its silly for me to even want to listen to this music and then feel SAD somehow, but its happening. I really want to just go to sleep now and forget about all these nostalgic memories. I really want to sleep. Maybe I just get sad when I'm tired. I'm probably not actually sad, I'm just tired. I suppose that I'm just feeling like other people deserve to hear such things so much more than I do. Gosh, this is becoming a heavy journal. I feel bad now for throwing all this onto the internet.
Anyway, the music is really happy and good, so I'll just talk about how I think I SHOULD feel:
Wow, this music really makes me feel super happy! I feel so refreshed. This is taking me back to to other times when I heard music like this. I miss watching movies themed on the early 1900s like The Notebook. That movie is sort of themed around music like this. I really feel like watching movies like that now! Those movies are so happy and uplifting. I really need a pick-me-up right about now, but no one really notices that.

Journal 36

This is the perfect topic for this blog, and at the perfect time. I'm just realizing that you cannot please everyone, and if you are not being who you truly are, you won't even please yourself. Acting like someone you aren't can seriously damage your mental health. When I was younger, I always tried to act like my friends and do whatever they did. They wanted me to be like them or they wouldn't be my friend. Or at least I felt like that was true. I finally figured out that people like that are not people I want to associate with.
In fact, until recently, I never felt like my true self. I just realized how exhausted I was when I was trying so hard to please everyone. I hated that. I feel better and worse all at once now. I want to be quiet. All I can say is how I feel. I want everyone to feel better about everything all the time, but I can only provide so much. I'll say what I have to to be a supportive friend, but no lies. I don't want to lie or fake myself out. I'm tired of opening up to other people. I'm realizing who I actually care about and who I don't care about as much.
Its so hard to tell sometimes, especially being a teenager who disagrees with most of our society's rules. I'm not as opinionated as I seem. People and information sway me a lot. I wish it was easier to decide what I stand for. There are few things that I know about myself, but I am now on a better, more clear path to finding out what I really am and what I love. I just need to think sometimes and really process what I'm feeling. Right now, I feel like a thin wood wall with brick-patterned wall paper.

Journal 35

Okay, so for reasons unknown, I cannot seem to find my blog from September 24th about the Declaration of Independence. It is not in my archives or drafts or anything. I believe I remember having few citations and many strange word situations, though. I would definitely say that my writing has improved drastically since then, though. I just sort of wish I could actually compare them. I apologize, I should be a more responsible student.
Or not, because the grade for that is over and these posts are for creativity, not factual things.
So never mind. But anyway, I have noticed that making my essay and analysis writings have improved a lot since the beginning of the year. It seem quite a bit easier for me to put them together. I seem to have a system going on now that I never had before. I will go and find my sources first, then when I find something interesting, I add it to what I'm writing and it makes citing things much easier. I feel stupid for ever trying to do it any other way. I used to just babble and go find credible sources that were nearly always irrelevant to what I was saying. Its sad that I stressed myself so much over doing that before I learned that writing can actually be enjoyable.
I keep thinking it would be nice if writings were comparable like paintings. If you could put my written work into picture-form, it would be so much easier to compare the quality of it at the beginning of the year to how it is now. I think I am really starting to miss art class. I was unable to take it this year and its been on my mind a lot lately for some reason. I cannot wait to go back next year. Then maybe I won't find everything in the universe relevant to drawing or painting.

Sorry for the blog of random rambling. .-.