Journal 43

I think that would be a pretty terrible idea. I don't think people should ever ever be tested on their mental sanity unless they consent or they have behaved completely out of line. I don't understand how that would even work. Who decides who is sane and who isn't? We're all just beings. We all have different chemical levels in our brains. Just because a majority of us conform to social norms does not mean that the ones who don't are insane. This is something that really hit s home for me because I tend to get a lot of crap for being different. I'm already considered to be relatively insane in the opinion of a few doctors, so if I was compared to the rest of the country, my stats would probable be off the charts and I wouldn't even care. I would just want them to not put me away until I got done with this year. That's an option for me. It has been discussed. Apparently if I don't get better by June 10th or so, I have to go somewhere or something like that. I don't even know or care, I just want to do good in school. I really do want to succeed in this life. I want to accomplish my goals. I really do, so if I need to go somewhere for more serious help, then I will. I just want to get done with my junior year so that I don't have to make anything up later. I really need to just finish all of this stuff up. I can't wait until this is over. I really feel like I am making my life a real thing now. Like reality is setting in. I'm soon going to be on my own. I will be able to make every decision in my life. I just cannot believe that this is all happening. I can't wait to live my actual life.

Journal 42

Once upon a time there was a kid that was really teeny weenie, and he wanted to be super strong to get all the ladies. His friend, Fred, was very muscular, and Jimmy, the kid mentioned before, was curious as to how he got that way. One day, Jimmy asked Fred how he became so muscular. Fred told Jimmy that he was involved in a program that worked on houses for homeless people, and he had built up a lot of muscle from all the construction work.
This was intriguing to Jimmy. Jimmy decided that he, too, would like to be strong, and also get the reputation of being a helpful member of society. He then filled out the necessary forms, and became an active member of the community's outreach program.
Before he knew it, Jimmy was getting a lot of work done for the homeless, but above that, he was getting some sexy muscles and a sweet tan. The ladies loved him, and it helped that they saw him as a caring, homeless-helping dude.
Eventually, Jimmy became a very arrogant, rude guy, and once he had built up his dream body, he quit volunteering and said he was too busy. No one cared at first, everyone still really liked him, and he was getting all the ladies. Later, he met a beautiful girl named Dani, and she called him out for is wrong-doings. Then, just as Jimmy started throwing out all his lame excuses, she cast a spell on him that made him eternally ugly and it also gave him hives regularly. This was a terrible burden on Jimmy, but the curse wore off minutes later. Maybe the curse didn't even work, we don't really know at this point.
After that, Dani was notsatisfied with the lack of punishment Jimmy had received, so she cursed herself to make herself into a spider, and then she bit his head off and shared his head with all the children of the land. Yay!

Journal 41

I think a hero is someone who saves someone else. It doesn't really matter what they save that person from. I felt like a hero yesterday. I saved a little mouse from one of those sticky traps. I saved him/her. I felt so good about myself. I don't really think a hero has to be your typical Cher song hero. I think a hero can be the scrawniest person ever. They don't have to be fast or strong or whatever, they could just be someone who listens or actually cares about you. They don't have to physically save you either, they could even save you from yourself. It just depends on what the person needs help with. Like if someone was struggling with something as minuscule as a homework problem and a friend takes their time to help you out. I feel like that is a small heroic action, that friend is saving the other friend from stress and confusion. That stress could have added up onto other things and cause a lot of trouble. It's things like that that make a real hero. It's the little things in life that deserve more appreciation that they get.
People don't really realize that it everyone suffers differently. I think it is sort of ridiculous that some people judge others based on their struggles and the outcomes of those struggles. You really do not know what someone could be going through, so you have to be that hero sometimes and even just ask what is going on. Sometimes just asking a simple question is enough to help someone out. I just sort of wish everyone was more helpful to one another. We never really know what it is like to be someone else, we don't know what everyone else is adapted to. Some people could be used to a lot more pain than you could even imagine, but you would never know that, would you?

Also, I just want to add that I really feel like I should be wearing a seatbelt right now while I sit in class today. I have no idea why, I just wanted to add that for future reference.

Journal 40

I guess this is supposed to be a free-write journal. I enjoy that because when I have a topic, my whole self is never in the journal, so I never get to say what I really want to talk about. For instance, right now I cannot stop thinking about this music project I started up last night. I'm really excited about it. It's just some spoken word type vocals and some dissonant bass. That's all it is, but I love it so much. I don't ever really plan on showing it to anyone, at least not for a while, but it still makes me really happy to know I'm doing something that I can put my whole self into.
Right now, I'm a little angry because I was all peaceful with the lights off in the classroom, and now the lights are back on. I find the fluorescent lights to be a little irritating, especially after getting a little taste of darkness. Ah, I really want the lights off. Right now, I feel full from lunch. Today was the first time in a long time that I've actually eaten something at lunch, which sounds bad, but of well. I had Chex Mix and a banana. I also had some juice, not that any of that matters. I had a banana for breakfast too. I've been so hungry the last couple of days. Oh well.
I'm sort of stressed out about the end of the school year coming so quickly. There is not much time left for me here, but there is so much to do between now and the end. I don't really know what to do, but I know I just have to take it a day at a time. Tonight, I really want to go out and ask for job applications, which is something productive. Also, I have to do my math homework and take a practice test for APUSH. That sounds like a relatively easy night to me, especially compared to how things used to be for me.

Journal 39

My spring break was really awesome. I crave Summer so much now it's crazy. Like, I get insanely sad in the winter, and really happy during the summer. I can tell that this summer is going to be one of the best yet, apart from my sister leaving me. I am getting really good vibes right now. The more I think about it though, the more I get sad. I just need to not focus on my emotions, which is basically what I worked on doing over break. I just lived without over-analyzing myself. It made a huge difference. I spent a lot of time in nature and meditating on things, and I am in a better state of mind. Only about 35 more school days and then that feeling somewhat permanently. I feel like I really need that. I cannot believe that I am going to nearly out of highschool in a year. How amazing is that? Pretty stinkin' amazing, that's how! Ah, I cannot wait for this to be over for me. Our spring break was just a little taste of what it will be like and it was so wonderful. I need to move somewhere warm so I feel better about my life, that would change so much. I know it sounds silly, but I really mean it. Winter makes me so upset and just apathetic about anything and everything, but in Summer, energy flows and moves me to do what I need to do. It is one of the best feelings in the world. I am so glad it is not going to get cold again for a while. I feel so relieved and ecstatic. I just need to get through these last few weeks of school, hopefully they will fly by. I would very much appreciate that. I already feel better about even coming to school just because it is warm and I don't feel pain every time I walk outside. I cannot wait for summertime.

Journal 38

My job shadowing experience was pretty boring to be honest. I shadowed at the Springfield Art Association, and the facility was really nice and cool. The whole first hour or so was fun I suppose. It included a tour of the studios, the gallery, the offices, and the Edwards Place. Edwards Place is a building that is connected to the Association and is a historical site. Most of my time was spent learning about that building rather than any kind of art I was interested in. I was allowed to sit in on a meeting for the upkeep of Edwards Place and one man claimed that historical preservation was a form of art in its own. I do agree with this, but I do not think it was something that particularly interested me.
Also, something that irritated me a bit was that they seemed to think I was there as a volunteer. They had me cutting out newspaper articles they were featured in and then putting them into transparent sleeves for over an hour. It was not a great time, but I did not stress about it at all because I knew I did not actually have to get anything done. I did not really think they got the concept of what I was there for. I feel bad, because I sort of felt like an intrusion on their peaceful work.
The coolest thing I think I did all day long, which was not very cool, was going to an offsite home that was wanting to donate an entire dark room set up to the Association. The two women discussed all the possibilities for their new equipment which was cool to hear.
Overall, I discovered that I do not want to be the director of the Springfield Art Association, and I did not have the greatest job shadowing experience. I wish I could have gotten into a more artistic site rather than office work.

Journal 37

When I listen to music like this, it reminds me of when I went to New Orleans with my family. I did this twice, but I remember the most recent one more vividly, obviously. It also sort of reminds me of 101 Dalmatians. In New Orleans, I just remember walking down the streets and listening to all the street performers. I really miss that, thinking about it now. It was a really good time. I am feeling rather glum now. I feel like these rants often get off topic, but I guess its good for me. I am feeling kind of like I do not really deserve to listen to music like this. I feel like its silly for me to even want to listen to this music and then feel SAD somehow, but its happening. I really want to just go to sleep now and forget about all these nostalgic memories. I really want to sleep. Maybe I just get sad when I'm tired. I'm probably not actually sad, I'm just tired. I suppose that I'm just feeling like other people deserve to hear such things so much more than I do. Gosh, this is becoming a heavy journal. I feel bad now for throwing all this onto the internet.
Anyway, the music is really happy and good, so I'll just talk about how I think I SHOULD feel:
Wow, this music really makes me feel super happy! I feel so refreshed. This is taking me back to to other times when I heard music like this. I miss watching movies themed on the early 1900s like The Notebook. That movie is sort of themed around music like this. I really feel like watching movies like that now! Those movies are so happy and uplifting. I really need a pick-me-up right about now, but no one really notices that.

Journal 36

This is the perfect topic for this blog, and at the perfect time. I'm just realizing that you cannot please everyone, and if you are not being who you truly are, you won't even please yourself. Acting like someone you aren't can seriously damage your mental health. When I was younger, I always tried to act like my friends and do whatever they did. They wanted me to be like them or they wouldn't be my friend. Or at least I felt like that was true. I finally figured out that people like that are not people I want to associate with.
In fact, until recently, I never felt like my true self. I just realized how exhausted I was when I was trying so hard to please everyone. I hated that. I feel better and worse all at once now. I want to be quiet. All I can say is how I feel. I want everyone to feel better about everything all the time, but I can only provide so much. I'll say what I have to to be a supportive friend, but no lies. I don't want to lie or fake myself out. I'm tired of opening up to other people. I'm realizing who I actually care about and who I don't care about as much.
Its so hard to tell sometimes, especially being a teenager who disagrees with most of our society's rules. I'm not as opinionated as I seem. People and information sway me a lot. I wish it was easier to decide what I stand for. There are few things that I know about myself, but I am now on a better, more clear path to finding out what I really am and what I love. I just need to think sometimes and really process what I'm feeling. Right now, I feel like a thin wood wall with brick-patterned wall paper.

Journal 35

Okay, so for reasons unknown, I cannot seem to find my blog from September 24th about the Declaration of Independence. It is not in my archives or drafts or anything. I believe I remember having few citations and many strange word situations, though. I would definitely say that my writing has improved drastically since then, though. I just sort of wish I could actually compare them. I apologize, I should be a more responsible student.
Or not, because the grade for that is over and these posts are for creativity, not factual things.
So never mind. But anyway, I have noticed that making my essay and analysis writings have improved a lot since the beginning of the year. It seem quite a bit easier for me to put them together. I seem to have a system going on now that I never had before. I will go and find my sources first, then when I find something interesting, I add it to what I'm writing and it makes citing things much easier. I feel stupid for ever trying to do it any other way. I used to just babble and go find credible sources that were nearly always irrelevant to what I was saying. Its sad that I stressed myself so much over doing that before I learned that writing can actually be enjoyable.
I keep thinking it would be nice if writings were comparable like paintings. If you could put my written work into picture-form, it would be so much easier to compare the quality of it at the beginning of the year to how it is now. I think I am really starting to miss art class. I was unable to take it this year and its been on my mind a lot lately for some reason. I cannot wait to go back next year. Then maybe I won't find everything in the universe relevant to drawing or painting.

Sorry for the blog of random rambling. .-.

Journal 34

Describing myself is not easy to do at all. I am so different at so many points in the day. It might not seem that way to some people, just because I try and force myself into consistency around others, but in my head its a whole different story. For instance, when I wake up in the morning, I want to treat everyone very poorly because I just don't care about anything at that point. But later, when I go on through my day, I wake up a bit more and start being more pleasant. Other days I just want to shut myself in a dark room for the day. I guess everyone has days like that. I just wish mine were less frequent or less intense. It get to be a bit of an irritation when I know in my head I should be more motivated, yet I literally cannot bring myself to do anything about it. I do so much, but it is sometimes more exhausting to just think about it.
I guess that doesn't say much about who I am though. Describing myself is hard. I am very artistic, that is certain. I'm a dancer. I always will be. That does not define me, though. I'm just not a typical person. I have a never-ending desire to be different from other people. Lately I'm realizing that it isn't as hard as I thought. Before, I was just kind of rebelling against the never-ending societal norms just to oppose them and show how shallow and ridiculous they were. Now, I've realized that people are never going to change, so I have nothing to prove. So while I've started to find myself a little more, its much more noticeable that I'm genuinely different than everyone else. I don't mind, at all, but it's a little relieving to say the least. I'm glad to finally know that I was never pretending.

Journal 33

I am terrible at relaxing. I cannot just sit still anymore. My greatest attempts to relax lately are when I try to go to sleep. I just get so restless that it is nearly impossible. Most of the time, when I do try to relax, I listen to music. That has really been the only successful method I've discovered so far. I wish this was easier for me, but it is what it is. I would like to just be able to sit down in front of the television and not think about anything like a normal person would, but I find it to be nearly impossible anymore. Before I was so busy I remember doing this occasionally, but now it just is not an option. Even when I do have free time, it feels like I might be forgetting something or there is something I could be doing to get out of the way ahead of the time.
When I do listen to music, sometimes it relaxes me, depending on the song or artist. Music has such a heavy influence on me. Whatever song I listen to creates this mood inside me. If I listen to a slow, sad song, I instantly get sad, even if there is nothing to be sad about. If I listen to a punk rock song, I get this overwhelming sense of rebellion. It makes such an impact on me. If someone constantly fed me whatever music they wanted, they could probably control me completely. It is insane how much it can effect me. The biggest problem with this is that it occasionally causes me to lose my identity. I kind of forget my real values and just go with whatever suits the music. It is sad how long the feelings last. Some people get sad for a moment while the song plays, then move on. I, on the other hand, will feel that way until I listen to a new song. I have to choose carefully what I listen to anymore.
Who am I, anyway? When music defines you, and music is ever-changing, how does one even know?

Journal 32

To revolutionize the way people think or act is to change society or impact it in a huge way. Usually something like this starts with an innovative new idea. I always imagine someone having this great epiphany when I think of how revolutions start, mostly because that is the only real way things will change. Someone has to think of something worth doing before the general public will go on with it. You have to be either extremely brilliant or extremely convincing to get a majority of people to change their minds about anything. Nowadays, everything is a huge argument. We have to have some sort of realization within ourselves before we are even willing to accept a new idea as our opinion or lifestyle. There are so many ways of doing things today that something has to be extremely inspiring to change us all.
I guess a revolution really means to be convincing anymore. You cannot get people to change unless it makes their lives easier. People will never do anything more difficult than what they're doing now. All that will happen is people will find new ways to make themselves "happier", which really means making their lives easier. People tend to associate stress and discomfort with things like work and other physical/mental challenges, so they desire the ability to be lazy when they feel like it. A long time ago, people were working much harder than we do today, and yet we still complain. Even I'm guilty of it. Obviously I can identify with this because I'm the one explaining it. As time progresses, revolutions will only come with people trying to improve their lives by decreasing the amount of work they have to do to be what society perceives as successful. Movies like "Wall-E" and "Idiocracy" are perfect examples of this idea. They both take place in the future, and show how all that people do anymore is try to figure out more ways to make life easy. They demonstrate how if we continue on this path for the desire of relaxation, we will lose everything.

Journal 31

I can see how the topic of gossip comes about during a unit discussing "Spoon River Anthology", but I cannot say that it relates to my life very greatly. Well, really, I WISH I couldn't say that. It becomes difficult to ignore after a certain point. It is say that I have become so accustomed to it that I hardly stress over it anymore, but it is true. I suppose that could be considered a good thing, that it does not effect me as much. But in reality, it should never have been there to grow used to. I know it sounds cliche, but I wish we could all just get along. I wish that if you didn't like the way someone lived their life, you could just move along and forget them. But for some reason that is an impossible concept for us to grasp.
Gossip is something that used to make me want to never leave my bed. I would beg my parents to let me stay home from school nearly every day. I believe that during my 7th grade year, I accumulated around 25 absent days. The school never cared because they knew I was a new student. That was another difficult thing for me. It is hard to fly under the radar when you are always the "new girl". You are automatically the new topic of discussion until everyone decides your place in the social scene for you. You have no say. You get your first few impressions and then your future is basically told to you. Its a sad thing, really. And is it not obvious that people were bound to make up rumors and gossip about me? When everybody talks, something is bound to be untrue.
So I guess now I'm just so used to it that it doesn't bother me. I wish it never had to come to this point, but it did. And now, I'm fine with where I am.

Journal 30

Civil rights have obviously come a long way in American history. We were once a country heavily influenced by slavery. It was a huge market in the early and mid nineteenth century, because every country was taking part in the slave trade. Basically, if we had introduced the idea of an African American president to those early Americans, they would have either laughed or thrown us out.
Today, things are very much different. Obviously segregation and racism still exist, but many people are more than willing to accept people of all races together. I feel as though, as the generations progress, there will be no more segregation at all because a complete lack of race. I don't think I will ever see that day, but I would like to.
I don't really understand why we still continue to separate these people from us, but we do. I am even guilty of it. And I am certain that my family is. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm willing to befriend anyone who comes into my life until they give me a reason not to, but it seems as though I automatically am more hesitant when it is someone of a different race. I feel like it has almost been drilled into my mind that way just because of the environment I grew up in. My whole family basically forced me to be critical of people who are different from myself, just because I had to listen to it constantly. When you grow up hearing things like that, it is hard to ignore.
I do love my family, I just wish they could have been a bit more open-minded while I was growing up so that I wasn't so set on branching away.
Anyway, I just feel like it would be better if the idea of race didn't exist. We never look at Italians or Asians very differently, except for the occasional joke. Why do we do that to black people?

Journal 29

Nature is always in control. There has never been a time where nature did not control our lives. Nature just so happens to be relatively calm here on Earth. If you think about the real definition of nature, it is relatively undefined. Some people see it as just the area that we have not already used, and some people see it as everything everywhere. All animals have used the space they have to survive and even thrive. They build their shelters and find their food. We do the same thing, but when we do it, for some reason it is not considered nature.
We see everything that animals do as natural, that they can do whatever is in their instincts and it is purely part of nature. We honestly do the same thing. Just because we have society does not mean it is not the same concept. It is literally the exact same thing. We all use what we have. Humans have just progressed much more quickly than other animals. We are no better than them.
So I suppose it should be rather easy for me to describe a time when nature was in control, considering that that is all the time.
Okay, so one day, much like today, I woke up. I did not really want to do that, but I did. The sun was just coming up, and I did not feel any reason to rush myself into the shower. I had bathed relatively recently anyway, I'm a clean person. So I just brushed my teeth and did what I could before being pushed out the front door to commence my journey to the high school for jazz band.
It was difficult for me to realize that I had already made it all the way to the high school. I drove my car all the way there, yet I had not taken the time to contemplate any of my actions. I just wanted to sleep, not climb stairs...

Journal 28

When I go places that I'm not used to, or when I do things I'm not used to, I feel very out of my element. When I hang out with people for the first time I usually feel confused and out of place. I try my best not to act awkward, and I usually don't. But in my head, I'm secretly hoping that I won't mess everything up and make people uncomfortable. It is so exhausting to try to keep the conversation going when you are alone with someone unless they're your best friend, or close. Even then I feel like I have to be entertaining. It just makes me tired. I really do not want to do that anymore. We need to stay in groups more often so I'm not in charge of the talking. I once hung out with this person who was very shy and it was really tiring to keep the conversation moving forward. It just bothers me. Sometimes I just really want to listen. I hate explaining myself all the time. I JUST WANT TO LISTEN. 
I hope I never get put into a situation like that again. I always do. I'm just going to start ignoring people and staring at them when they don't talk back to me. I'll just tell them that they are in charge of talking to me so I can just hear what they instead of what I already know from myself. I really really want to hear someone else tell me something for once. I want to meet someone completely new and have them tell me all about themselves. I need to know some new information. I want to meet someone really smart, too. I cannot stand hearing the thoughts of someone doesn't even think. 
I want to know what everyone cares about and thinks about; what they are interested in. Please allow that to happen. 

Journal 26

Sometimes you wake up and think the day should be really good, but then it turns out to be very bad. There are days where you wake up and the sun is shining and the air is warm but for some reason you cannot escape the cold. Sometimes you get really excited to get up and get out of bed to activate your mind and body, and other times you cannot even bring yourself to lift your head. Dreaming can sometimes become more appealing than reality. It is not practical to go about life waiting to fall asleep, and then realizing you do not have the ability to do so when the time is appropriate.
Being humans, we tend to take things symbolically. It is natural for us to search for some sort of sign of fate or divine intervention. I have realized that sometimes you just have to let go of the idea completely. It is logical to let go, but a difficult task, nonetheless. It is our first instinct to look for signs. Religion exists in so many cultures, in fact, it is considered a defining factor in a group much of the time. It is completely natural for us to look for a meaning in the things that we do, or the way things play out, but that is only because we only see things from our own point of view. Realistically, we all are living separate lives which intertwine together and create situations and circumstances, many of which we cannot control.
These happenings are just the way that life works. We live, breathe, communicate, learn, adapt, struggle, prosper, and die. Those things are definite in a long-lived life. Most of the time, this is how things work. The fact that I am even able to explain that is amazing. Science never expected us to get this far and make these connections and have the ability to understand. Our minds are so developed. We can think abstractly, hypothetically, and abstractly. We are the only species who can do this so fluently without question. We are amazing.

Journal 27

The idea of leaving to another country to defend America is sort of variable idea to me. I suppose it would depend on the situation, but the United States of America is not something I feel too passionately about. I am grateful to be somewhere where everyone is free and has their rights as a citizen and human, but I also do not hold a particular place in my heart for this country. I would love to say that I would go directly into battle if they asked me and I would love to die for my country, but I honestly would not. I have a lot of respect for those who have done just that, I know a few people going into that field of work, and it really worries me. But I cannot say that this place is worth that to me. I want to leave this place as soon as I can. I am thinking New Zealand. I want to get out of here now.
But I suppose imagining something like that is terrifying. If we are talking about violent defense, then I can say that I do not see myself doing something like that. I am not much of a violent person, and fighting other humans is the last thing I want to do. I could see myself arguing a point, or protesting for a worthy cause, but I do not think I could ever go into another country with the intention of hurting or possibly killing another person. Some can for whatever cause, but not me. I could never do something like that.
I still do not understand why people think that war is going to get us anywhere. Is that new land or new policy really worth the hundreds of lives it often calls for? It is not! It never will be. I could not see that making sense. People should just take what they have unless the cause is completely life-threatening as it is.

Journal 25

Giving things to people is really nice. You just can't help but feel good about yourself when you have the opportunity to make someone else feel better. When you give someone something thoughtful you know they are going to appreciate it. Or at least you hope they will appreciate it. Some people do not appreciate gifts or surprises, which could be understandable, I suppose. I cannot imagine receiving something someone got for you, thinking of you, and rejecting it. Some people actually do that, though. Some people get a gift and then immediately frown. They disapprove, and you feel really bad about yourself because of their terrible attitude. When I get something from someone, I become so excited and happy instantly, even before I find out what it is. The fact that someone thought of me and took their time to do something nice for me makes me so happy that I just cannot contain my smile. I have been in situations where I have spent tons of time and money on a person and she still complained and criticized myself and my gifts. I hate that quality in a person. If someone goes out of their way to make you happy, you should be grateful and be glad that they cared enough to do that for me. I love everything that everyone gives me, even if it is the smallest thing. I never care, I am just happy that someone actually cared enough to do it. I love that idea. I think I'm going to get all of my friends gifts soon. I made cookies for everyone at a show the other day just to show how much I loved everyone there. I always want have people around who know how much I care. I love people so much and I just want them to know sometimes. It is important to me. Even giving your attention can mean so much. It makes people so happy to know they are accepted and wanted.