Journal 28

When I go places that I'm not used to, or when I do things I'm not used to, I feel very out of my element. When I hang out with people for the first time I usually feel confused and out of place. I try my best not to act awkward, and I usually don't. But in my head, I'm secretly hoping that I won't mess everything up and make people uncomfortable. It is so exhausting to try to keep the conversation going when you are alone with someone unless they're your best friend, or close. Even then I feel like I have to be entertaining. It just makes me tired. I really do not want to do that anymore. We need to stay in groups more often so I'm not in charge of the talking. I once hung out with this person who was very shy and it was really tiring to keep the conversation moving forward. It just bothers me. Sometimes I just really want to listen. I hate explaining myself all the time. I JUST WANT TO LISTEN. 
I hope I never get put into a situation like that again. I always do. I'm just going to start ignoring people and staring at them when they don't talk back to me. I'll just tell them that they are in charge of talking to me so I can just hear what they instead of what I already know from myself. I really really want to hear someone else tell me something for once. I want to meet someone completely new and have them tell me all about themselves. I need to know some new information. I want to meet someone really smart, too. I cannot stand hearing the thoughts of someone doesn't even think. 
I want to know what everyone cares about and thinks about; what they are interested in. Please allow that to happen.